Ashes of Remembrance

It amazes me.
Someone that could barely fit in my arms,
I can now hold in my hands.

It's an awful feeling.
A realization I could've gone years without;
A realization that this has happened.

I know it's been over a year now,
Don't remind me.
But it still hasn't sunk in.

I gaze upon the urn,
Taking in all the attention to detail;
The etches in the brass filled with gold.

The swirling designs,
The black coat behind it,
Making the gold pop.

It's so simplistic,
Yet the design couldn't be more complex.
Heh . . . just like you.

I can't tell you how many times I gaze in the back room,
Hoping . . .
Praying to see a movement.

Something in my heart desperately clings to a diminishing hope,
A hope that you are still here.
I know it's useless.

My dearest Mother . . .
Why?!

I don't understand it.
Any of it.

Will I ever?
Possibly.
It's all a matter of time.

I cannot tell you how much it hurts.
To remember the woman who was so full of life . . .
Now fills an urn with her ashes.

It makes no sense to me at all.
How that can be possible.
I know the logical thinkers would bash me for such a stupid remark,
But until you have suffered such a loss as this . . .
You will never understand.

I don't say that as an angsty teenager would.
I am 100% serious when I tell you this.

To see one's mother one day,
Then to see nothing but dusty remnants of them the next . . .
It's a feeling I cannot describe to you.

It's disheartening.
It's frightening.
It's . . . awful.

My darling Mother . . .
I miss you so.
Words fail to express the desperation in my heart that screams out for you.

I will never forget what you said that one afternoon,
"Life sucks, then you die. Dammit- it was true!"

So like you.
Even in the midst of chaos . . .
Your witty sarcasm brought us all a light of laughter in such a dark time.

How I need that now.
That light in this painful darkness.

That joy in this sorrow.

That laughter . . . in these tears.

I walk a lonely road now.
A bitter, broken, uncertain road.

To where does it lead?
I haven't the faintest clue.
But I know I'll find out one day.

When will that day be?
I don't know.
But I'm gonna get there someday.

I know that I have only these hands.
I know I only have this life.

And I only had one mother . . .
But she is now gone to join my other passed on loved ones.

I have questioned my remaining time here.
Debated on taking my expiration date in my own hands.

I know I made a promise.
But dammit if it ain't hard to keep.

So I will continue to hold you in my hands,
Remembering how it was when you could fit in my arms.
Remembering life . . . with you in it.

It's a dreamer's dream.
A poet's muse.
An artist's inspiration.

Taking one's sorrow and turning it into something beautiful.
Have I done this?
I have no clue.

In this chaotic world I live in,
I try to make the best of things.
You taught me that.

So I will go on,
Remembering what you taught me,
In the little time we really had together.

I'll do my best to live up to your expectations.
To make you proud.
To be the woman you wanted me to be.

Look down on me, Mother.
I hope I can make you smile.

I hope . . .
I hope I can remember life . . . with you in it.

Because you have faded.

And it scares me.

I look down at you,
In my hands.


I weep.