For those of you who don't know, I shall tell you.

Jordan and I are over.

Now before you start going all hysterical with all the questions, no he didn't do anything like cheat- it was a mutual understanding between us. We realized that we weren't exactly . . . well, to put it bluntly, what the other needed in a relationship. We really stayed together for so long because I kept brushing off and not seeing things that an outsider could see clearly- and I did those things because I loved him. But, we had a talk one night and we had come to a roadblock that we've come to many times- he had been talking to a girl that was a friend of a friend and instantly I did not feel comfortable. It's not him I didn't trust- it's these random women that kept popping up and talking to him. Due to my not so great track record, I have been dealt some blows from previous relationships that left scars that have yet to heal. So, he kept getting frustrated and I felt awful. We had a pretty intense conversation a few nights later that really opened my eyes- to more than what I was doing wrong, but to how he really felt.

Two weeks ago, Tuesday, a very dear friend of mine died of liver and kidney failure- yet again, in a time when I desperately needed him, due to his continuing military status, he could not be here. I don't blame him for that, but many times have I needed him to be here, and the distance was slowly taking its toll on me. During the days prior to that happening, I had a lot of time to think of my relationship with Jordan. I decided that it would be best for both of us- mainly him- to leave it where it was and terminate what we had. I knew he was happy- but I don't think so much with me. I think he was happy to have someone there so he wasn't alone- I may be wrong, but that's how I felt. So, the next day, we had a long conversation and to my joy, it was very calm and understanding- we even joked and laughed here and there. For the first time, we said "I love you" 3 times in one conversation. I tried prolonging that goodbye as much as I could, because I knew as soon as that phone call ended, that was it.

We've talked here and there since then. We still joke and laugh with each other, but we both want what we had back- but I know it's better this way, to stay friends. For awhile I kept asking "Did I do the right thing?" And my heart, even while it was screaming, told me yes. I still love him like no other, and I don't think that love will ever truly fade, but that chapter in our lives came to an end. I miss him terribly, but even though everything inside me screams to take it back, I know I can't.

I have begun to move forward in life- almost thrusting myself into the new tides of life as a way to distract myself from it. That week was not the best week. And what really sucked was my birthday was that Saturday. Great way to start another year in life, huh? Have a friend die, and you couldn't be there, and you can't be there for the funeral because it's in another state and you have no means to get there, give up one of the best things you had, and then more drama with friends, all before your 22nd birthday. Outstanding.

But, here's to a new chapter in my life. It has a harsh start, very bitter tasting. But, hopefully, it won't end as it begun.

Know I love each and every one of you. Thank you for always being there.

Take care- till next time.

~Mustang